Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I've got a lot of downtime in the evenings here. As of last month, a lot of that was filled watching old episodes of Hell's Kitchen. Hell's Kitchen is a television show about a guy named Gordon who cooks delicious food and helps teach other people to do the same. This is accomplished with a lot of yelling. Sensing in Ramsay a kindred instructional spirit, the show inspired me to learn how to cook. This is Chef Ramsay with an animal he's about 90 seconds from eating. -->

Part of my cooking philosophy is that there exists a culinary trifecta - booze, meat, explosions
- which, if satisfied, renders positive results regardless of the chef's skill, experience, intelligence or personal hygiene. Why booze, meat and explosions? Stupid question, but I will explain anyway:

Booze: I've read quite a bit that the right beer/wine/spirit will compliment a dish. The only surprising thing there is that anyone would go through the effort of writing it. "Compliments" means "makes better". So, yeah... no shit. The only thing I would like to point out here is that anyone who says that the quality of a cooking wine doesn't matter isn't using enough of it.

Meat: Because this is America. (And by "this" I mean "the internet" which, like the moon, is owned by America). Do you know what kinds of people don't eat meat? North Koreans.

North Koreans are, on average, six inches shorter than South Koreans (who are also pretty short). The North Koreans say it's because they are ethnically purer than South Koreans (which is racist). But it's actually because they're a bunch of retards who don't get enough protein.

In conclusion, Americans eat meat and racist midgets don't.

Explosions: This is so obvious it borders on intuition and is difficult to articulate an explanation for. Why does 2 + 2 = 4? It just does. The beauty here is that explosions can be integrally related to booze (which explodes). Or even meat. It is widely acknowledged that animals who were killed by explosions taste better than those who weren't.

Of course, if there were a way to integrate gratuitous female nudity into this equation, I would. But for now, it remains a trifecta. ...Also, I'm not sure quadfecta is a word. I'm working on it.

So, here's the recipe for what I ate yesterday:

Sangria, Pizza and Spicy Fruit Desert

Ingredients (primary)

  • 1.5 pounds of ground beef (approximately a baby's head size.
  • Two fists-full of Mozzarella cheese
  • 2 bottles of the shittiest red wine you can buy or shoplift
  • 1 bottle of rum (dark and spicy are ideal, but when isn't it? -- take what you can get)
These ingredients are "primary" because if all else fails you can just throw them all in a saucepan, add fire and eat.

Ingredients (secondary)
Quantities not noted because a) I don't know and b) it doesn't matter

  • Flour
  • Yeast
  • Butter
  • Milk
  • Tomatoes
  • Egg
  • Onions
  • Apples
  • Pears
  • Red peppers
  • Garlic
  • Oregano
  • Sprite
  • Basil
  • Cloves
  • Whatever fruit and berries you can still afford after all the alcohol and meat
  • Olive oil
  • Cinnamon sticks
  • Apple juice
  • Black pepper
  • 4 different kinds of hot sauce (to pour all over the pizza)
  • Probably some other stuff, but whatever you've got on hand will probably work

Serves 1


1. First of all, you bought way too much wine for one pitcher of Sangria. Drink like half of one of the bottles.

2. Sangria was invented by the Spanish as a quick, effective delivery vehicle for cheap red wine. The recipe therefore, is necessarily cheap and simple. You pile as much sliced fruit and berries into a large pitcher as you can and then fill it with wine. The juice from the fruit will slowly diffuse into the alcohol and make it delicious.

3. Keep the pitcher in the fridge for a couple of hours or while you do the rest of the prep. When you serve it, top up the rest of the pitcher with Sprite to make it bubbly.

4. Sangria done.

5. Drink continuously for the duration of cooking.

6. Dough is pretty easy. Just throw a bunch of flower, yeast, an egg, some water and a dash of milk into a bowl. Mash it all together until it starts to look like dough. I don't know. Making dough is boring. Watch this fruitloop do it.

7. Put the dough in a pan and put a bunch of mashed up tomatoes and hotsauce all over it.

8. Then fire up all the meat, onions and red peppers in a pan until they're a little bit cooked. More hotsauce. Then put that on top of the dough too.

9. Finally, tear up the cheese and sprinkle it all over the place. More cheese = better. Mozzarella is what Zeus ate.

10. Throw it into the oven. Turn the oven on. I forget to do that sometimes.

Pizza done.

11. Eat pizza, finish sangria. It's important to be over the legal limit for the next part.

12. Skin, core and half the apples and pears. This is hard when you are drunk, so think of it like a field sobriety test. Don't fuck it up or you get stabbed in the hand.

13. Spread an even layer of sugar over the bottom of a non-stick pan. Turn on the fire part underneath it and wait for the sugar to melt. (Yeah, sugar melts into a light-brown liquid when it gets hot. I didn't really know that.)

14. Add a bunch of butter once the sugar melts. Then throw in a bunch of cloves, black pepper and the cinnamon sticks. My roommate ate one of the cinnamon sticks and informed me that it was gross, so don't do that. Then put in the fruit.

15. After like 30 seconds, the goopey shit at the bottom will start to get really thick. That's when you pour in a bunch of rum. Like 4 or 5 shots worth. Some people will tell you that that's too much, but... well, they're wrong. Quantity of rum => amount of fire. So I don't really know what the hell they're talking about.

16. Then kinda tip the pan into the fire. Or stick your hands in there with a lighter. I don't care, I'm not your mom. The alcohol should explode (trifecta attained). Then flick around the pan, preferably where a girl can see you because this part makes you look awesome. Don't spill fire on yourself.

17. Then pour some apple juice on it so it's not so sludgey.

18. Eat.

This would be good with ice cream. But I never remember to get ice cream, so I just ate it plain. Probably the most delicious thing ever. I might put it on pancakes sometimes.

I'll try to make this a running thing. Hopefully with a different type of dead animal, variety of liquor and magnitude of explosion each time. I even made a new subject tag! Next up; Jack Daniel's chicken. Side of white phosphorus.


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