Friday, June 18, 2010

I love soccer

Not really. Soccer is awful. If I wanted to see a bunch of effete metrosexuals running around, throwing tantrums, weeping and groping each other... well, yeah, I’d watch soccer. I saw some of the USA v. Slovenia game earlier today, and the only thing more embarrassing than the fact we tied is that my country participates in this histrionic nonsense at all. "But they came back from a 2 - 0 deficit!" Slovenia has a population of 2 million. I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure that makes their World Cup team about 8% of the workforce.

Anyway, one of their guys was running toward the goal when one of ours stole the ball, so the Slovenian hurled himself to the ground, grasping at his ankle like his foot were dangling from his leg by tendons and started crying. So play stopped and his team got the ball.

If I were in charge of soccer, I would implement the following rule changes to make it less awful:

  1. No crying. Crying = red card.
  2. No post-goal celebrating. This rule can be temporary, until the culture of spazzing out like some emotionally-troubled tween has been purged from the soccer community. It’s a goal, not the cure for cancer – and it’s what you’re paid to do.
  3. No make-up. And players are required to have first and last names. I don’t know who the fuck “Ronaldo” is, but if he’s that transvestite with all the eyeliner, I’m not impressed.
  4. New position. One man on each team will assume the title of “striker” (which was misapplied before – the other guys are called ‘forwards’). Like goalies, strikers will abide by a separate rule set. Strikers will not be allowed to touch the ball, and if they do, they’re out for 5 minutes (regular players can, of course, eject the strikers by drilling them with the ball). Strikers are, however, allowed to tackle people. Same rules as rugby; must have the ball, at least one foot on the ground, no headshots.
  5. One fewer defender.
  6. Penalty kicks are awesome. Any infraction whatsoever within the goal box will result in a penalty kick.
  7. Goalies are also allowed to tackle people.
  8. New foul rules. If you have the ball, you’re fair game. Any attack by another player that can reasonably be assumed was directed at the ball is legal. This is a good idea because dangerous slide-tackles are awesome and would become commonplace. Furthermore, play does not stop for injuries. Guys who want to roll around on the group weeping are welcome to, but the game will continue.
  9. If you spread your arms open really wide and look confused or exasperated with something the referee says, the referee is allowed to punch you in the face.


Post a Comment